Series: Pet Peeves #3

Valentine's Day:
10 Reasons to Not Celebrate Valentine's Day

I have never celebrated Valentine's Day. Rain or shine, single or attached, the day always passses me by. I'd like to say it passes me by unnoticed, but unfortunately, thanks to western society's fascination with all things boring, unimaginative, clichéd and consumerist-oriented, it does not. I always notice it. And I always feel the need to complain about it. So here it is, ladies and gents: 10 reasons not to celebrate Valentine's Day.

1. It's a waste of money. Spending your hard-earned cash on useless stuff is hard enough to justify at the best of times; now the worst of times (i.e. a Tory government) have befallen us, it is even more ridiculous to attempt to justify spending that hard-earned cash on a seven-foot bear proclaiming "I heart you" on his stomach. What is the purpose of that bear? To say "I love you"? Well, guess what: God gave us the gift of speech. Use it.

2. Where your wasted money ends up. Hallmark. Big businesses with fat cats wearing suits, smoking cigars and wiping their arses with your money. Their arses. Your money.

3. It adds to our existing clutter. What happens to all these seven-foot bears as the years drift on by? Do we throw them away? Sell them? Would that make us heartless? Or do we keep them stored away in some cupboard somewhere, along with all the other crap we have no use for that we've accumulated throughout our lives?

4. Obligation. Obligation is just about the worst thing in the world. Y'know, after famine, war, disease and all that other stuff.

5. You're all bloody sheep! You all dress the same, you all buy the same crappy seven-foot bear, you all listen to the same sickening music, you all go to the same poorly-lit restaraunts (there's a reason we don't use candles anymore; it's called ELECTRICITY) and you all write the same forced, contrived shite in your Valentine's Day cards. If you're gonna celebrate it, at least do it a little differently. Wear a Halloween costume; buy a seven-foot dinosaur proclaiming "I'm going to eat you" across its stomach (still appropriate, no?); listen to some gangster rap or heavy metal; eat in McDonalds*; write "You're pretty bloody annoying, but I'm ugly and can't do any better" in your cards. C'mon, people. Be original.

6. It puts undue pressure on single people. And let's get one thing straight: there's nothing wrong with being single. Unless, I dunno, you play tennis and you need a doubles partner. Of course, people forget the joys of singledom on Valentine's Day. It's all "I'm pathetic", "No one likes me" and "I'm gonna die alone", causing men and women to flock to the nearest bar in their thousands and look for the nearest thing with a pulse. Meanwhile, thousands of other men and women (but mostly men) flock to their nearest bar, fully aware that everyone else there is single, desperate and about the easiest they will ever be for the next 364 days. It's all gonna end in tears. Or, at the very least, STIs.

7. The awkward "Oh WOW you got me a house! ...Here, I made you a CD." Or, from the other person's POV, "I spent an entire month's wages on him/her, and he/she couldn't even be bothered to take a shower!"

8. Too many flowers. This is a personal one for me. I get hay fever, and when they die I feel guilty for not having ever showed them the love and care and appreciation that they deserved.

9. It's really hard to buy someone a birthday card. All the shops seem to clear out 80% of their birthday cards to clear room for rows and rows of Valentine's Day cards, not to mention how impossible it is to navigate your way around a shop full of last-minute card-buyers. I don't like crowds. Crowds make me want to swing my arms in random directions with little regard to those around me.

10. People judge you no matter what you do. People like me judge those who celebrate it, and people who celebrate it judge people like me who don't celebrate it. Also, people who celebrate it judge those who wish to celebrate it but don't because they don't have anyone to celebrate it with, as well judging those who celebrate it, but celebrate it in a cheap, boring way. Not to mention people who don't celebrate it but wish to, judging those who celebrate in a jealous, bitchy kinda way. Congratulations if you're still with me, by the way. I lost myself about ten minutes ago on this one.

Bonus reason: OK, I know I said 10 reasons, but this one, although a little too sincere and reasonable for my liking, has to be said. Isn't it kinda sad that something as priceless as love has been turned into an arbitrary money-making business? You should be showing that 'special person' that you love them every day; not once a year with some seven-foot bear (I have a thing for that bear, as you can probably tell) and a cheesy poem in some generic card that thousands of other people are also opening up. I have no problem with people choosing to celebrate the day in their own sincere way - but these Hallmark holidays really get my goat. And I hate it when people take away my goat.

*Don't go to McDonalds. Burger King is so much more classy.