I love dreams. And not just because I'm a lazy bugger who enjoys nap-time (though there is also that), but I believe dreams hold real significance in our lives. They let us know what we're feeling, on a subconscious or very obvious level. They help us work through stuff. I daresay sometimes they give us a glimpse into our futures. Forgive me for sounding all hocus-pocusy, but I'm a Piscean, and we Pisceans have a psychic streak. Sometimes my dreams come true. Maybe one of the dreams in this series will (though I doubt it will be this one).
The Jesus Dream
I’m dreaming about Jesus.
I went to church every Sunday for six years and not once then did I dream about Jesus. But now, of all moments in my life, I’m dreaming about him.
He’s sleeping rough with his disciplines. I only know this because I’ve decided to take part in a sponsored sleep-rough-for-a-week. The deal is this: people pay me to sleep on the streets for a week, and all the money I raise goes to the genuine homeless. For some reason, I thought it would be a doddle, but the eco-friendly sleeping bag I brought along has started to decompose in the rain, and I’m worried about getting run over by a bus. All the daily commuters coming out from the train station are complaining that I’m in the way. I stand up in the spot where my decomposed sleeping bag once occupied, and I yell at them that I’m raising awareness and that they should consider themselves lucky that they have jobs and homes to go to, and beds which don’t disappear as soon as it rains – but they don’t listen.
I scan the rest of the street for a better place to sleep, and that’s when I come across Jesus’ sleeping bag. I’m not sure how I know it’s his, but it is, and there’s 12 more bags lined up around it. I can’t help but notice that Peter’s got a flash new phone sitting on top of his, and find it reassuring to know that if Jesus were around today, even he would have caved to societal pressure to have all the newest things... Even though, technically, it’s Peter’s phone. There is every possibility that Jesus’ phone is a cheap pay-as-you-go deal from Argos, which he only uses in emergencies. The screen is probably in black and white, with the only game being Snakes.
Jesus doesn’t have things he doesn’t need, I decide with some certainty. Either Peter requires such a great phone because it makes spreading the word of God a whole lot easier (who needs to speak in tongues when you have unlimited minutes, texts and internet access?), or Peter’s going to get a telling off later when Jesus returns and finds his mate texting the following to John: “Yo what you up to? Jesus is fed up waiting for the bus, too expensive anyway. He’s legged it across the Thames. On foot lol. Watch, he'll be on the front page of The Metro tomorrow morning lmao."
Wednesday 23 February 2011
Sunday 13 February 2011
Series: Pet Peeves #3
Valentine's Day:
10 Reasons to Not Celebrate Valentine's Day
I have never celebrated Valentine's Day. Rain or shine, single or attached, the day always passses me by. I'd like to say it passes me by unnoticed, but unfortunately, thanks to western society's fascination with all things boring, unimaginative, clichéd and consumerist-oriented, it does not. I always notice it. And I always feel the need to complain about it. So here it is, ladies and gents: 10 reasons not to celebrate Valentine's Day.
1. It's a waste of money. Spending your hard-earned cash on useless stuff is hard enough to justify at the best of times; now the worst of times (i.e. a Tory government) have befallen us, it is even more ridiculous to attempt to justify spending that hard-earned cash on a seven-foot bear proclaiming "I heart you" on his stomach. What is the purpose of that bear? To say "I love you"? Well, guess what: God gave us the gift of speech. Use it.
2. Where your wasted money ends up. Hallmark. Big businesses with fat cats wearing suits, smoking cigars and wiping their arses with your money. Their arses. Your money.
3. It adds to our existing clutter. What happens to all these seven-foot bears as the years drift on by? Do we throw them away? Sell them? Would that make us heartless? Or do we keep them stored away in some cupboard somewhere, along with all the other crap we have no use for that we've accumulated throughout our lives?
4. Obligation. Obligation is just about the worst thing in the world. Y'know, after famine, war, disease and all that other stuff.
5. You're all bloody sheep! You all dress the same, you all buy the same crappy seven-foot bear, you all listen to the same sickening music, you all go to the same poorly-lit restaraunts (there's a reason we don't use candles anymore; it's called ELECTRICITY) and you all write the same forced, contrived shite in your Valentine's Day cards. If you're gonna celebrate it, at least do it a little differently. Wear a Halloween costume; buy a seven-foot dinosaur proclaiming "I'm going to eat you" across its stomach (still appropriate, no?); listen to some gangster rap or heavy metal; eat in McDonalds*; write "You're pretty bloody annoying, but I'm ugly and can't do any better" in your cards. C'mon, people. Be original.
6. It puts undue pressure on single people. And let's get one thing straight: there's nothing wrong with being single. Unless, I dunno, you play tennis and you need a doubles partner. Of course, people forget the joys of singledom on Valentine's Day. It's all "I'm pathetic", "No one likes me" and "I'm gonna die alone", causing men and women to flock to the nearest bar in their thousands and look for the nearest thing with a pulse. Meanwhile, thousands of other men and women (but mostly men) flock to their nearest bar, fully aware that everyone else there is single, desperate and about the easiest they will ever be for the next 364 days. It's all gonna end in tears. Or, at the very least, STIs.
7. The awkward "Oh WOW you got me a house! ...Here, I made you a CD." Or, from the other person's POV, "I spent an entire month's wages on him/her, and he/she couldn't even be bothered to take a shower!"
8. Too many flowers. This is a personal one for me. I get hay fever, and when they die I feel guilty for not having ever showed them the love and care and appreciation that they deserved.
9. It's really hard to buy someone a birthday card. All the shops seem to clear out 80% of their birthday cards to clear room for rows and rows of Valentine's Day cards, not to mention how impossible it is to navigate your way around a shop full of last-minute card-buyers. I don't like crowds. Crowds make me want to swing my arms in random directions with little regard to those around me.
10. People judge you no matter what you do. People like me judge those who celebrate it, and people who celebrate it judge people like me who don't celebrate it. Also, people who celebrate it judge those who wish to celebrate it but don't because they don't have anyone to celebrate it with, as well judging those who celebrate it, but celebrate it in a cheap, boring way. Not to mention people who don't celebrate it but wish to, judging those who celebrate in a jealous, bitchy kinda way. Congratulations if you're still with me, by the way. I lost myself about ten minutes ago on this one.
Bonus reason: OK, I know I said 10 reasons, but this one, although a little too sincere and reasonable for my liking, has to be said. Isn't it kinda sad that something as priceless as love has been turned into an arbitrary money-making business? You should be showing that 'special person' that you love them every day; not once a year with some seven-foot bear (I have a thing for that bear, as you can probably tell) and a cheesy poem in some generic card that thousands of other people are also opening up. I have no problem with people choosing to celebrate the day in their own sincere way - but these Hallmark holidays really get my goat. And I hate it when people take away my goat.
*Don't go to McDonalds. Burger King is so much more classy.
10 Reasons to Not Celebrate Valentine's Day
I have never celebrated Valentine's Day. Rain or shine, single or attached, the day always passses me by. I'd like to say it passes me by unnoticed, but unfortunately, thanks to western society's fascination with all things boring, unimaginative, clichéd and consumerist-oriented, it does not. I always notice it. And I always feel the need to complain about it. So here it is, ladies and gents: 10 reasons not to celebrate Valentine's Day.
1. It's a waste of money. Spending your hard-earned cash on useless stuff is hard enough to justify at the best of times; now the worst of times (i.e. a Tory government) have befallen us, it is even more ridiculous to attempt to justify spending that hard-earned cash on a seven-foot bear proclaiming "I heart you" on his stomach. What is the purpose of that bear? To say "I love you"? Well, guess what: God gave us the gift of speech. Use it.
2. Where your wasted money ends up. Hallmark. Big businesses with fat cats wearing suits, smoking cigars and wiping their arses with your money. Their arses. Your money.
3. It adds to our existing clutter. What happens to all these seven-foot bears as the years drift on by? Do we throw them away? Sell them? Would that make us heartless? Or do we keep them stored away in some cupboard somewhere, along with all the other crap we have no use for that we've accumulated throughout our lives?
4. Obligation. Obligation is just about the worst thing in the world. Y'know, after famine, war, disease and all that other stuff.
5. You're all bloody sheep! You all dress the same, you all buy the same crappy seven-foot bear, you all listen to the same sickening music, you all go to the same poorly-lit restaraunts (there's a reason we don't use candles anymore; it's called ELECTRICITY) and you all write the same forced, contrived shite in your Valentine's Day cards. If you're gonna celebrate it, at least do it a little differently. Wear a Halloween costume; buy a seven-foot dinosaur proclaiming "I'm going to eat you" across its stomach (still appropriate, no?); listen to some gangster rap or heavy metal; eat in McDonalds*; write "You're pretty bloody annoying, but I'm ugly and can't do any better" in your cards. C'mon, people. Be original.
6. It puts undue pressure on single people. And let's get one thing straight: there's nothing wrong with being single. Unless, I dunno, you play tennis and you need a doubles partner. Of course, people forget the joys of singledom on Valentine's Day. It's all "I'm pathetic", "No one likes me" and "I'm gonna die alone", causing men and women to flock to the nearest bar in their thousands and look for the nearest thing with a pulse. Meanwhile, thousands of other men and women (but mostly men) flock to their nearest bar, fully aware that everyone else there is single, desperate and about the easiest they will ever be for the next 364 days. It's all gonna end in tears. Or, at the very least, STIs.
7. The awkward "Oh WOW you got me a house! ...Here, I made you a CD." Or, from the other person's POV, "I spent an entire month's wages on him/her, and he/she couldn't even be bothered to take a shower!"
8. Too many flowers. This is a personal one for me. I get hay fever, and when they die I feel guilty for not having ever showed them the love and care and appreciation that they deserved.
9. It's really hard to buy someone a birthday card. All the shops seem to clear out 80% of their birthday cards to clear room for rows and rows of Valentine's Day cards, not to mention how impossible it is to navigate your way around a shop full of last-minute card-buyers. I don't like crowds. Crowds make me want to swing my arms in random directions with little regard to those around me.
10. People judge you no matter what you do. People like me judge those who celebrate it, and people who celebrate it judge people like me who don't celebrate it. Also, people who celebrate it judge those who wish to celebrate it but don't because they don't have anyone to celebrate it with, as well judging those who celebrate it, but celebrate it in a cheap, boring way. Not to mention people who don't celebrate it but wish to, judging those who celebrate in a jealous, bitchy kinda way. Congratulations if you're still with me, by the way. I lost myself about ten minutes ago on this one.
Bonus reason: OK, I know I said 10 reasons, but this one, although a little too sincere and reasonable for my liking, has to be said. Isn't it kinda sad that something as priceless as love has been turned into an arbitrary money-making business? You should be showing that 'special person' that you love them every day; not once a year with some seven-foot bear (I have a thing for that bear, as you can probably tell) and a cheesy poem in some generic card that thousands of other people are also opening up. I have no problem with people choosing to celebrate the day in their own sincere way - but these Hallmark holidays really get my goat. And I hate it when people take away my goat.
*Don't go to McDonalds. Burger King is so much more classy.
Wednesday 9 February 2011
Is it spring already?
I might be getting ahead of myself here, but it feels like it's spring already.
I remember two years ago when it snowed at the beginning of February (and a few years before that it snowed in April), but today I went out without a coat on. (I may have been the only one, though; others were wrapped up in their coats and scarves, looking at me as if I'd just escaped from some sort of institution.) I do like to brave the weather. One of the reasons I get sick more than is normal in the winter is because I refuse to use an umbrella. I don't see the point. When you have a pavement two feet wide with hundreds of people walking down it, all with their umbrellas up, half of them walking backwards and the other half walking sideways, umbrellas just become impractical. Especially when there's a wind. No, I'd rather get rained on.
(Now that I've said this, there'll probably be a blizzard tomorrow.)
I remember two years ago when it snowed at the beginning of February (and a few years before that it snowed in April), but today I went out without a coat on. (I may have been the only one, though; others were wrapped up in their coats and scarves, looking at me as if I'd just escaped from some sort of institution.) I do like to brave the weather. One of the reasons I get sick more than is normal in the winter is because I refuse to use an umbrella. I don't see the point. When you have a pavement two feet wide with hundreds of people walking down it, all with their umbrellas up, half of them walking backwards and the other half walking sideways, umbrellas just become impractical. Especially when there's a wind. No, I'd rather get rained on.
(Now that I've said this, there'll probably be a blizzard tomorrow.)
Thursday 3 February 2011
I keep getting electrocuted
Today has been a productive day for me. It started darkly (yes, darkly: I woke up while it was still dark out), with lots of nose-blowing and determined sniffing. You know when your nose has been blocked for several days and you seem to think that if you inhale hard enough it will miraculously clear itself and then you'll be suddenly cured? Yeah, I did that for about an hour. I think that inhibited breathing ability causes a lack of oxygen to the brain, thus brain cells die, thus we seem to make illogical conclusions about stuff when we're sick. Like that time last year when I was sick, and I thought I'd get better faster if I stood outside in the rain. Suffice to say, it didn't work.
But I refuse to let a minor inconvenience like Snotty Nose Syndrome put a dampner on my mood. Instead, I have been writing all morning and afternoon, and as a result I have nearly finished my first film. Putting aside the fact that the film is only 15 minutes long (give or take an hour), I am majorly impressed with myself. (And just as I wrote that sentence right there, I got electrocuted. By what, I'm not too sure, but if you heard an offended cry, tinged with slight surprise, of "OW!" - yo, that was me.)
...
(It just happened again. Perhaps I should Google 'colds with electrocution-like symptoms'.)
...
Since being electrocuted (twice), I have since forgotten what point I was trying to make. Something to do with it being a productive day? Sure, well we'll see how productive it was after we find out if I manage to escape death-by-electrocution. I've got a film to finish. See you later, bloggees.
P.S. Congratulations if you're still trying to work out how you can take an hour away from 15 minutes. You're an idiot.
But I refuse to let a minor inconvenience like Snotty Nose Syndrome put a dampner on my mood. Instead, I have been writing all morning and afternoon, and as a result I have nearly finished my first film. Putting aside the fact that the film is only 15 minutes long (give or take an hour), I am majorly impressed with myself. (And just as I wrote that sentence right there, I got electrocuted. By what, I'm not too sure, but if you heard an offended cry, tinged with slight surprise, of "OW!" - yo, that was me.)
...
(It just happened again. Perhaps I should Google 'colds with electrocution-like symptoms'.)
...
Since being electrocuted (twice), I have since forgotten what point I was trying to make. Something to do with it being a productive day? Sure, well we'll see how productive it was after we find out if I manage to escape death-by-electrocution. I've got a film to finish. See you later, bloggees.
P.S. Congratulations if you're still trying to work out how you can take an hour away from 15 minutes. You're an idiot.
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