Series: Dreams #4

I think I may have dreamed a dream almost as trippy as the milking-a-chicken-with-a-marshmallow dream. Almost, but not quite. I think it would take a lot to out-trip that dream.

The Splinter Dream

I looked down at my thumb (the one on my right hand), and there were two short black splinters protruding from the side of it, just below the nail. They didn't hurt, but I decided that they had to come out. So I started squeezing at the sides of the splinters, and much to my horror, what began to emerge from my skin was two long green tubes, joined at the top by a thin, black string. They were about three inches in length and, together, about an inch wide. I didn't have a clue what they were, but I was suddenly reminded of that scene from Mary Poppins where she's digging about in her bag and pulling out six-foot lampshades.

I went off to tell people, taking the two green tubes with me, but as I unveiled the tubes to people, what I found myself holding up was a bottle of lemon-flavoured shampoo. Two splinters had turned into two green tubes, and two green tubes had turned into lemon-flavoured shampoo, and it only seemed a little disconcerting to me.

I looked down at my thumb again, and noticed another black splinter, but this one was buried underneath my skin. I squeezed and squeezed and squeezed it, but it just wouldn't come up. So I gave up, terrified in the knowledge that I had a bottle of shampoo in my thumb.

A-Z of Emotions

A-Z of emotions I have felt since I last blogged

A – Angry. A lot of anger, actually. The most recent example I have was a result of a man pushing me in the back on the tube today. He wanted to get off the tube. I wanted to get off tube. The train had not stopped yet, let alone opened its doors, and so I decided, quite wisely, to wait until it had come to a halt before throwing myself into the great expanse of people in front of me.

B – Bored. In four days I have stuffed around 300 envelopes and had as many physical fights with a photocopier. Gets tedious after awhile.

C – Cheeky. I keep showing everyone a picture of the ma-hoosive spider that woke me up yesterday morning (more on that later), knowing full well the reaction will always be “Aaaaaaagh!”

D – Dread. I dread the sound of my alarm clock every morning.

E – Elated. Wait. This is a lie.

F – Furious. Close to anger, I know, but I would like to specifically direct this emotion towards the photocopier. Bloody machines!

G – Gratuitous. Towards a little boy who did not laugh at me when he probably should have. Even I laughed at me. More on that later.

H – Horror. Imagine it: you open your eyes bright and early on a Tuesday morning, with thoughts of “Ergh not bloody this again” occupying your mind, when you see something scrambling across your floor. Your thoughts quickly turn to “What the hell” and you sit bolt upright in bed. The image of a MA-HOOSIVE spider scuttling underneath your TV unit leaves a permanent imprint on your brain, and it keeps flashing in your mind along with the words “GET MUM. GET MUM. GET MUM. GET MUM.” You leap out of bed and run from the room screaming, “MUMMYYYYYYYY!”

I – Interested. But I can’t tell you what over cos it’s a secret. Ha! Bet you’re interested now, aren’t you? (Or not...)

J – Jovial. Not really. I just like the word “jovial”.

K – Kool. So kool I had to spell it wrong. I felt really kool last week when I fell up some stairs, and a little kid looked at me with an expression of compassion on his face. It was kind of him not to laugh and point, bless his cotton socks. I hope Father Christmas brings him something very expensive this year.

L – Lazy. Hence why I haven’t blogged in two weeks.

M – Miffed. When Arsenal conceded a goal against Borrusia Dortmund yesterday right at the end of the match. Bastards. Serious bastards.

N – Neurotic. I noticed earlier that the book in my bag has a slight bend on the front cover. I wanted to cry, throw the book away and get a replacement... but lack of funds has prevented me from being so frivolous. Thank God.

O – Optimistic. I was optimistic that Arsenal would hang on to a slender one-goal lead yesterday. Obviously, I was wrong to make such judgements. In future I shall know better.

P – Pessimistic. I am now pessimistic about Arsenal.

Q – Quixotic. Ah! Bet you didn’t think I’d come up with anything for Q, did you!? Teaches you! (By the way, what does quixotic mean...?)

R – Relieved. I really needed to pee earlier, and when I did pee finally, I felt relieved.

S – Smug. I don’t remember what I felt smug about, but I know I must have done, because after announcing that I felt smug, I then had to explain to my sister what smug means. This was what I came up with: “Smug is like being proud in a really obnoxious way.” She replied with a blank look. I replied with, “Do you know what obnoxious means?” She replied with, “No.” I stopped feeling so smug.

T – Timid. I’m always bloody timid, though. I need to work on that and just start telling people to shut their facking mouths.

U – Unprepared. I was unprepared for the letter U, hence my use of the word unprepared.

V – Vain. This morning I poked myself in the eye with my mascara wand, then spent about 10 minutes trying to get mascara off my eyeball.

W – Woe. Woe is me. Isn’t life difficult: I have to stuff 300 envelopes and battle with people on the tube while some people are dying of horrible diseases. Aren’t I the unfortunate one.

X – Xanax-y. OK, I know that isn’t an actual word, but it’s better than x-ray-y or xylophone-y, neither or which can I even begin to argue are actual emotions. At least xanax is used to treat an undesired emotion, of which I have felt to a small scale throughout these two weeks. I prefer chocolate as my choice of medication, though.

Y –Yippee-ish. I do believe that is the sound I made when Robin van Persie scored yesterday. And also when my mother announced the arrival of chocolate.

Z – Zzzzz-ish. You know I’ve run out of words when I start suffixing –ish­ and –y to existing words to make new ones. But this one is very true. I have been incredibly Zzzzzz-ish lately.