The Theory of a Bunch of Really Interesting Things

I have a lot of theories. Some of them contradict one another, and others are so ridiculous that often people tell me I should try my hand at writing science fiction and incorporate these theories into my novels. Maybe I should. I dunno, should I? When I was about 7-years-old I started writing stories of domestic violence and substance abuse, so unless I write about aggressive aliens and alcoholic vampires, I wouldn't really be staying true to myself, would I? I wouldn't be, as they say, "Keeping it real." Yo.

A wiser person might get some copyright on their theories before they go blabbing them out to the whole World Wide Web. (Y'know, when you actually say the words "world wide web", it sounds super scary. The whole wide world can read this. Agh?) But I can't be bothered, to be honest. So here are some of my theories.

The "We're already dead" theory

Or at least, most of us are. We've already lived our lives. First steps, first words, school, marriage, kids, blah de blah de blah... All of it's already been done. And we're dead. We're lying in some coffin somewhere, with some vacant (i.e. dead) look on our faces. But when you die, your memory lives on, and as you lie there, that memory replays your life over and over and over again. You just don't remember it and thus think that it's happening for the first time. How many times have I written this sentence already? For all we know, it could be the year 3044 and I'm living this random day in the year 2011 for the (*does some quick Maths... can't be bothered to work it out*) nth time.

The "We are like atoms" theory

Think about it. We're pinpricks on Earth, and Earth is a pinprick in the solar sysem, and the solar system is a pinprick in the galaxy, and the galaxy is a pinprick in the universe, and the universe is... probably like a grain of salt for a really massive giant. Maybe we are to giants what atoms are to us.

The "You never really die" theory

OK, religious people have been saying this for ages, but what if our souls (if we have one) don't automatically detach from our bodies and float off into heaven or hell or get stuck hanging about with all the living people? What if you die and your soul stays put, and the only thing that stops working is your body? Maybe it takes decades or even centuries to master the art of projecting your soul out of your body, and most people only bother to master this art when they're dead because, well, what else are they gonna do? Trust me: those freaks rocking the astral travelling business have got their shit sorted already. Well done, I say. Well done.

I swear I should have been a scientist. Have some of that, Darwin.