Currently...

This is one of those moments where, irrespective of the fact that no one cares, I tell you all what I'm doing at the moment. Not literally at this moment, since that is pretty self-explanatory (i.e. I am typing), but I mean generally speaking. These last few days. That kinda thing.

First of all, here comes the big bombshell: I am unemployed. And the fact that I am unemployed of course means that I hang around at bus stops dressed in Burberry all day long, with one trouser leg rolled up and a cap on back-to-front. No, really: I do. They won't tell you this until you sign on, but it's written into your contract when you become registered unemployed that, as well as making a fat-arsed effort to find work, you must also imitate a scene from Little Britain. It's a hard knock life.

But aside from my (so far) unsuccessful attempts to find work (first class degrees are soooo overrated) and dipping in-and-out of my various writing projects, these things have been occupying me:

Music

"Oh banana, what's my name? Oh banana, what's my name? What's my name? What's my name?" - The song is, of course, What's My Name, by Rihanna (feat. Drake). Since I couldn't work out what "nana" was supposed to mean (and I don't care what the rest of you may say: she is not talking to her grandmother; if Rihanna is senile then I'm betting her grandmother is, too), I decided to insert 'ba' to the beginning of 'nana' instead. You will find out why when I get to talking about current TV programmes on my box. I have this theory (yes, another theory) that she can't remember her name because Drake farted, causing permanent damage to the part of her brain which stores a person's lexicon, hence why she is asking a banana, "What's my name?" She probably meant to say, "Oh doctor, what's my name?" Check it out at 0:54. That's a blatant fart right there.

Also, for reasons I can't seem to explain, I keep singing Back For Good... but I'm hearing Boyz II Men's version instead of Take That's. Maybe because Take That are irritating?

TV Programmes

How I Met Your Mother, and particularly that episode where Marshall gets mugged by a monkey. (That's the banana reference, in case you missed it.) I kinda wanna suit up.

And then there's EastEnders, which happens to be the word you say right now if you want to make someone put their head in their hands and cry actual tears. Not sad tears, but rather tears of utter despair. Because if EastEnders is better than Coronation Street (which it is, come on now), what does that say about the modern soap opera? I find it strange that the BBC seem to think that there might be other people out there who have been affected by Kat and Alfie's story; do healthy babies get swapped for dead babies on a day-to-day basis, then? They never should have axed Brookside.

Sport

I am currently watching the Premier League table with some trepidation. Arsenal are in a good position, but Manchester United are sitting pretty ugly at the top of the table with a game in hand of Arsenal and Chelsea, and two games in hand of Manchester City. I'm not sure if I should still be considering Chelsea as title contenders, though. I mean, seven points adrift when you're Chelsea is hardly suicide, because we all know they have it in them to go on a fat-arsed streak and win their next five or six games in a row. But when you're seven points behind Manchester United and City, five behind Arsenal and you've got Tottenham on your tail, you've got some work to do, and I'm not so sure they're cut out for that work at the moment.

Mandatory end note: COME ON, YOU GOONERS!