LOL

Politicians are out of touch with the youth of today. They've tried to bridge the gap with their Hug A Hoodie campaign, but if they knew anything at all about hoodies, they would know that hoodies don't like to be hugged, and especially not by David Cameron. I suspect David Cameron has absolutely no intention of trying to get intimate with a hoodie, and until he appears on Prime Minister's Questions with a black eye and a bunch of missing teeth, I will continue to presume this to be the case... and actually, even if he does turn up with a black eye and a bunch of missing teeth, there's every possibility Rebekah Brooks just got a little slap-happy again.

David Cameron's sordid (yes, it is sordid; two Tories talking to one another is always sordid) little text messages to Rebekah Brooks are only further evidence that he doesn't have a clue. LOL? No, David. Just no. And Rebekah Brooks doesn't know much better, either. LOL does not mean "laugh out loud". Perhaps it did, once upon a time, in a faraway land full of leprechauns and skipping bunnies, where everyone was happy all the time and laughed just because the sun shone and the rainbows emitted Skittles, but no longer is this the case in the real world. Now, LOL serves five primary functions:

1. To communicate that you are joking, even if what you happen to be saying isn't very funny. E.g. Yes, I did my homework as soon as I got home on Friday lol.

2. To soften the blow when you insult someone, because actually you're a little wuss who can dish it out but can't take it back. E.g. You're fat and ugly lol.

3. To indicate that you have a low IQ. E.g. Hi bb lol.

4. To communicate that what you just read was mildly amusing. This is the nearest variant of 'lol' to the original 'lol'. E.g. Wow, what you just said almost made the corners of my mouth turn up lol.

5. To indicate that the conversation is over, go away and leave me alone now. E.g. Person 1: Yeah. Person 2: Lol.

David Cameron, if you are reading this now, I suggest you think very long and hard before using LOL again. And if you do choose to use it again, I suspect it will be for the second function, when you are making your next speech on all these 'necessary' cuts: "We're all in this together. That's why I'm using taxpayer money to pay for my second home while you rot away in your crummy little council estates, you useless working-class bastards lol." Come to think of it, "Mwahaha" works just as well.