Pet Peeve #5: Bad grammar
I don’t claim to be an expert on grammar. Even with my first class honours in English Language (yeah, I’m brilliant), I still stumble over certain rules of the English language and have to consult my handy grammar book, and sometimes when I’m only half awake I make unusual decision – like that time I decided to insert an apostrophe into the word yes. But some people seem to have no understanding of basic grammar. They speak English and English alone... and yet they can’t really write it. Seems a bit of a shame, doesn’t it? So here I am with a few simple lessons on English grammar.
1. Apostrophes. For those who don’t know, an apostrophe is [‘]. It looks a little like a tear, or, I dunno... a flea? You’re probably most familiar with it in words like don’t, won’t and can’t. Here it serves the purpose of turning do not into don’t, will not into won’t, and cannot into can’t. It also turns he is into he’s and she is into she’s. These are called contractions. They enable us to be lazy. Where most people tend to get confused, however, is when we stick it in the middle of a word like elephant’s. When you put an apostrophe in the word elephant’s, you are not talking about two, three, four or five elephants; you are talking about something belonging to an elephant. Allow me to clarify:
I stepped in an elephant’s poo on the way home today.
We’re using an apostrophe here because we’re talking about something that belongs to an elephant. It’s a possessive.
I love elephants!
We use no apostrophe here, because we’re referring to a number of elephants.
You may have also seen apostrophes [‘] at the end of words, all abandoned on their own. Here, they tend to be referring to both of the above. Let me show you what I mean:
I think those elephants’ ears are gorgeous!
Note: more than one elephant is present, and something belongs to those elephants (i.e. their ears).
2. There/ their/ they’re. Look! An apostrophe in the word they’re! So what does that mean? Well, I’ll show you in just a minute.
Put the glass over there.
There are too many smelly people on the underground.
Surely you don’t need me to explain this?
That’s their favourite song!
I’m going to steal their milk – ssshh!
Another possessive. In other words, we are referring to something belonging to a person or a group of people. Confusingly, I’ve just told you that if something is a possessive then you need to stick an apostrophe in it. That’s not the case with their. You would say That car is theirs rather than That car is their’s.
They’re so annoying.
Tell me if they’re coming to the party.
They’re squeezes the words they and are together. Simples.
3. To/ too/ two. Just in case...
Give that orange to me.
There’s too much fecking noise in this room!
I’ll be there in two minutes.
Can I have a biscuit, too?
I refuse to give you too much of my time. Last week I gave you two hours, and you spent all that time too engrossed in your flaming Facebook to pay any attention. Too bad!
4. Whose/ who’s. Lately I have been getting this wrong, in the same kind of way I got it wrong when I inserted a superfluous s to the word bus. I know the rules, but sometimes my brain chooses to do things a little differently.
Hello? Who’s there?
As well as being a common sentence uttered in horror films, it’s also a common mistake a lot of idiots (like me!!!) make. Who’s there? is basically shortening the question Who is there? in an attempt to sound less like the queen.
I don’t care who’s going to the party – I’m not going dressed as a banana!
I don’t care whose banana costume it is – I’m not wearing it!
I think it’s with the last two examples that most of the confusion lies, and you can see why. In the first example, again, we’re shortening Who is to Who’s, but in the second example, it wouldn’t make sense to say I don’t care who is banana costume it is, would it? If in doubt, replace Who’s with Who is, and if it doesn’t make sense, you know you’re using the wrong who’s/whose!
5. Who/ Whom. I struggled with this one for years until I discovered a simple technique to stop being such a fecking eejit. And it goes like this:
You have a sentence, and you’re not sure whether Who or Whom should be used. Let’s use an example sentence:
I don’t know who/ whom is going to win the Premier League this season.
The first thing you need to do is change what you’re saying into a question, using either him, her, he, she, they, we, them, or us – so it becomes:
Are they going to win the Premier League this season?
Is he going to win the Premier League this season?
Is she going to win the Premier League this season?
Are we going to win the Premier League this season?
The words he, she, they and we demand that we use the word who. The words him, her, them and us demand that we use the word whom. So in the example I have just given, who would be the correct usage:
I don’t know who is going to win the Premier League this season.
Let’s find an example which would demand the use of the word whom.
Who/ whom is that last slice of cake for?
This is already a question, so let’s just answer it:
That last slice of cake is for him.
That last slice of cake is for her.
That last slice of cake is for them.
That last slice of cake is for us.
Because we’re using him, her, them or us, in the original question, we must use whom. You could also say For whom is that last slice of cake?, but say it around the wrong person and you’re likely to get slapped. So maybe be careful there.
6. It’s/ Its. OH MY GOD why don’t people get this right anymore? Basically, people don’t know when to use the apostrophe and when not to use the apostrophe. Remember before when I was talking about possessives? That is when you don’t use the apostrophe. Have a lil look see:
That little doggy was just licking its own butt! Haha!
This is a possessive. The dog possesses a butt; it is licking it.
It’s a funny sight to see a dog licking its own butt.
In the first instance of it’s, all we’re doing is shortening it is. In the second instance, we’re not shortening anything. You’d sound like a wally if you turned to your mate and said, “Hey, it is a funny sight to see a dog licking it is own butt.” Your friend would look at you, scratch their head and then tell you to go and lick your own butt.
7. You and me, Me and You, You and I, I and... someone. We’ve all had it done to us. You’re sitting round with a group of friends talking about what happened yesterday and you say, brimming with excitement, “Oh, me and Jimbob went to the cinema yesterday!” And then your know-it-all butthead of a friend (i.e. me) says, looking all smug, “John and I.” Then you sit there and silently hate them for the rest of your life. But I can help you, people! I can make sure this never happens to you again. Instead, you can be the know-it-all butthead of a friend who is hated for the rest of someone else’s life. And it’s really simple! All you need to do is get rid of your friend.
That sounds loserish and a little bit extreme, but you’ll see what I mean when I put it to you like this.
Me and Jimbob went to the cinema yesterday.
Remove Jimbob from the equation, and which one looks right? I don’t even need to tell you, do I! You know yourself already, you smart little pipsqueaks! I am so proud. Let me give you more examples, just so you really know your stuff.
Let me and Jimbob in! We’re cold out here!
Let Jimbob and I in! We’re cold out here!
Me, Fred, Pauline, Tony and Richard are in a band called The Buttheads!
This one might confuse you a leeeeettle bit, but I assure you that the first example is the correct one. Even though it still doesn’t sound quite right, if you change are to am, it makes perfect sense. Oui?
8. Your/ You’re. Pisssssss-easy.
Your = Possessive.
You’re = You are.
You’re a bit of wally is the same as You are a bit of a wally.
Your a bit of wally is the same as you being a freaking hypocrite. Learn some grammar before you go calling other people wallies, dipshit!
May I please borrow your book on grammar, Maaarfer?
No, you may not, for you already seem to know your stuff!
May I please borrow you’re book on grammar, Maaarfer?
Why yes, of course! I am so pleased to hear you’re trying to improve your written English.
Actually, I’m not – I just want to beat you over the head with it.
Finally (because I’m bored - not because I’ve exhausted all the grammar rules people commonly break; trust me: there’s LOADS more), I’m going to leave you with one fat-arsed passage of writing, making use of all the rules I’ve spent the last however-long banging on about. Consider it my audition for Britain’s Got Talent.
There are many reasons why your parents and teachers might push learning good English at you, but for me, the best thing about being good at English is that people automatically assume you’re intelligent, even when you’re not. You might be the biggest freaking genius in the entire world, but if you can’t articulate it then your ingenuity is likely to go unnoticed. It’s too bad, really, because I think that very often we pay too much attention to people who are good at articulating total bullshit. Politicians are a good example of this; they chat a lot of shit in a posh accent, using all the right words and putting apostrophes in all the right places, but when you strip all these things away, you see that what they’re really saying is, “I will take all your money, buy myself five houses and leave you in poverty. Mwahahaha!” I don’t think it’s fair to give more credence to those who speak nicely simply on the assumption that because they were taught where to put apostrophes they must therefore have the authority to say how things should be run. As I have just demonstrated, it’s not hard to learn these rules; with some practice we can all distinguish between who and whom, their and there, and it’s and its – but who’s to say that learning these rules will really make us any more informed on the way the world works?
Have you ever read a legal document, overflowing with language designed to put you off, and gone, “Yeah, yeah, yeah whatever” before clicking “I AGREE”? Wise up to these bastards’ divisive techniques and to their cheap tricks. Read more. Use a thesaurus to find one or two more fancy-sounding words (but be careful to check their definitions; one of my favourite scenes from the sitcom Friends is that one where Joey uses a thesaurus to make the letter he’s writing sound smarter, and ends up signing his letter, Baby Kangaroo Tribbiani). Don’t be afraid to use correct English on Facebook and on Twitter (I know those arseholes on Twitter only allow you 140 characters per tweet, but hey: at least it teaches us how to be concise, which is another useful device in writing!), and don’t worry that if you do you’ll lose some street cred or something – you can always follow a well-constructed sentence such as “I will give cookies to whomever likes this status” with “lol”. “Lol” is now an entry in the English dictionary, after all (or so I’ve heard).
The English language is a massive thing and you can use it to express yourself in so many different ways. Exploit its enormity; looks for words besides “good” and “nice”, then come back to me when you’ve found them. You and I can bedazzle the world with our written English and make it seem as though we’re freaking legends when are, in fact, just a little bit dorky.
Lol.
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