I was at Elephant and Castle underground station the other day (not because I wanted to be; line closures forced me to take a massive detour), and noticed a poster advertising all the wonderful things about being a Londoner. One of them went something along the lines of “Joining the army of commuters with your cup of coffee.”
I stood there for a couple of minutes, waiting for my train, glaring at the poster like it had just said “Yo mama” to me. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think that being sandwiched between a person with bad personal hygiene and a mouth-breather first thing in the morning is something to celebrate. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of things about London that I love: I love the fact that you never have to walk for more than five minutes to find an open shop (even though that shop most likely won’t stock what you need); I love the diversity, and the fact that even if 99% of people get on your nerves, there will always be that massive 1% who are completely amazing; I love that it’s home to Arsenal FC; I love the fact that you can travel across the entire city without a single person talking to you. In fact, I’m not sure I would be able to live anywhere but London.
But because I was born and bred here, it’s my right – no, it’s my duty – to talk about all the things I hate about London. It’s therapy.
1. Too many people. There are 7.5 million people in London, and sometimes it feels like all 7.5 million are on my train, in my carriage, breathing on me.
2. You could die, right in the middle of the street, and no one would stop to see if you’re OK. They might slow down and look at you with a puzzled look on their face, but help? There's probably more chance of them stealing your shoes.
3. People walk really slowly. I don’t know about you guys, but when I’ve been at work for eight and a half hours, when I’m tired and I have to be up early in the morning, I just want to go home, eat my dinner and go to bed. Some people appear not to mind stretching out their journey. They might dawdle, get in front of you and then stop to stare at the wall, or walk backwards, I kid you not.
4. Tourists. I’m sure I would be equally irritating if I went on holiday, but since I haven’t been on holiday in ten years, I cannot sympathise. Is it really necessary to wear such massive rucksacks which hit me in the face as you clamber onto the tube awkwardly? Must you take pictures of me as I eat my lunch? Believe it or not, our underground system seems to be somewhat of a tourist attraction. Come to London, where you can experience for yourself what it’s like to have your face squashed up inside a smelly stranger’s armpit. Sounds exciting.
5. If you are very old, very young, pregnant, or have a physical disability, do not expect a seat on the train, bus or underground. Everyone buries their heads in their newspapers when any one of the above climb aboard.
6. No gratitude. Last year, I tried to offer my seat to a young child. The mother of that child yelled at me for getting in her way as I stood up.
7. House prices. Apparently, I am never leaving home.
8. When I blow my nose, the stuff that comes out is black. Yummy.
9. Our mayor is Boris Johnson. If the rest of the UK thought the same way Londoners do about politics, we’d probably have The Monster Raving Looney Party in government right now... Actually, maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing. At least it would keep the Tories out.
10. There’s no point in having a car. I passed my test in 2006, having spent over £1,000 on lessons and tests, and now I wonder why I bothered. Not only are cars too expensive to run, but in London, there’s nowhere to park, and if you want to go anywhere exciting, you have to pay the congestion charge.
Rest assured I have more than 10 things I hate about London. I will most definitely be back later, when my anger with those 7.5 million people has gathered some more momentum.
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