Series: Countdown To 2012

Series: The 12 Week Countdown

Every week for 12 weeks until the dawn of the Year 2012, I am blogging about things to look forward to and things to dread about the coming year. Today there are...

...6 Weeks To 2012: Movie Mania

 Really, I should be getting Jonathan Ross to take over my blog this week, due to the fact that I don't know that much about film. In fact, I know so little about film that, until a few years ago, I thought Tom Hanks had starred in Shaving Ryan's Private. Unfortunately, I don't know Jonathan Ross, and even if I did, he would probably choose not to be affliated with my blog, what with the url having the word blogspot in it, and the number of followers standing resolutely at two. But still. Just imagine that my hair is about eight inches shorter, my head a foot higher, my belly 90lbs heavier (sorry, Jonathan - if it's any consolation, I do have fab abs. Pre-cake, anyway.) and that I keep missing the R key on the keyboard and hitting W instead - because apparently that is a symptom of rhotacism.

In 2012 we have a number of movie franchises hitting the big screens, including Scary Movie V in April, Men in Black III in May, The Amazing Spider-Man and Step Up IV in July, Paranormal Activity IV, and The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part II in November. Based on these series' existing movies, here's what can expect to find in these exciting releases:

Scary Movie V

Someone in a Scream mask going around killing innocent, yet naive, people. Somehow, it will be fairly amusing, and you're likely to feel rather sadistic and disturbed as you watch someone get hacked down in cold blood. Not to worry: we're meant to laugh at this film; it's the Scream franchise which is meant to scare you shitless. Not that it does, however...

Men In Black III

Is Will Smith still in this? I don't even know. If he is, expect to see a moustache! And black suits. And aliens being a little bit strange and kooky and not-at-all terrifying. At the end of the film, someone in a black suit (e.g. Will Smith) will kill one of the bad aliens, and then get jiggy with it.

The Amazing Spider-Man

I'm not really sure why they're remaking this movie, bearing in mind the last Spider-Man trilogy ended just a few years ago and did relatively well. I know technology and CGI and all that shizz has come on a bit since then, but I don't predict a discrepancy like we saw between the two King Kong films. Nerdy teenage boy gets bitten by a spider and develops spider-y powers. I never understood why Peter Parker didn't develop a sudden hunger for flies; after all, isn't that what spiders where made for?

Step Up IV

Dancing. I think. I've not seen any of them. Probably some cheesy music, too.

Paranormal Activity IV

Deliberately bad camera work and someone being possessed and/or inanimate objects becoming, well... animate. You may jump. Just phase the jump into a cough and people won't think you're a big wuss.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part II

A load of pale people looking pensive (that sounds like me: pale and pensive... Hey, maybe I'm a vampire!), while a teenage werewolf forgets how to put a shirt on. A lot of red contact lenses, some intense kissing and arty-farty fight scenes. Besides wondering why Peter Parker doesn't hunger for flies, why doesn't Edward Cullen hunger for Bella's period? I mean, it's free blood just going to waste; he may as well....