Series: The 12 Week Countdown

Series: The 12 Week Countdown

Every week for 12 weeks until the dawn of the Year 2012, I am blogging about things to look forward to and things to dread about the coming year. Today there are...

...1 Week To 2012: New Years's Resolutions

With this being the final week until the year 2012, it seemed only fitting that the final installment in this series focus on what will be at the forefront of everyone's minds as 2011 draws to a close: Just how am I going to make next year better?

Well, for a start you can stop being so self-involved and think about on how you can better improve society and the lives of others in greater need, rather than control your love for cream cakes or take up zumba because oh my gawd it looks like so much fun! But let's face it: that's never going to happen. So let's take a moment to look at the 10 most likely New Year's Resolutions for some of you lot:



10. Have a baby - This one doesn't apply to all of us, and certainly doesn't apply to me, but for all you newlyweds and broody lot out there, it's got to be hovering about in your brain somewhere. You probably keep seeing children in supermarkets and resisting the urge to reach out and squish their chubby little cheeks. You probably also find yourself saying "Aww!" a lot.

9. Read more - This is always one of my resolutions because, as a writer, I feel I really should read more. However, as a writer, I am often far too busy writing to read an acceptable amount. 2011 is drawing to a close and I am on my 18th book. In my defence, these have mostly been proper fat books; none of this fifty-page short story crap. Nonetheless, next year I need to at least get into the 20s.

8. Travel - We all want to be well-rounded, well-read, well-travelled individuals, and I am simply not the latter of these three. Personally, I think that London, whilst majorly sucking, is also pretty great and, can't imagine many places being better; I therefore feel little need to travel. Besides which, I fear going off into meadows and farmy places, encountering a farm animal of some sort and dying from excessive sneezing.

7. End a relationship - For those of you in a relationship right now, probably about 60% are unhappy and want their other half to piss off. For the remaining 40%, about 39% will someday (soon) become unhappy and wish to cease the relationship. If half of all marriages end in divorce, I think it's safe to say that almost all relationships will end in doors slamming, crying and the parting words of "F*** YOU, ARSEHOLE!"

6. Start a relationship - And yet, in spite of the above, all of those who end a relationship will soon seek a new one. We humans are social creatures and crave company, and so will ensue more desperate dating with dodgy dudes, which will likely die a dire death the following year.

5. Cut down on the drink - How many people wake up with a hangover on the 1st January every year and think, "Never again!" This resolution isn't necessarily a new year's one, though; I think this is simply something people resolve every morning following a ridiculous binge.

4. Quit smoking - C'mon, smokers! You can do it!

3. Get a new job - Ha. Good luck.

2. Get on top of your finances - Ha. That's even more funny than the previous resolution. Anyone reading this blog will probably hold similar political opinions to mine (if not - piss off) and will therefore not be a Tory twatting bastard who has money spare to wipe their arses with. Like me, you will still be skint this time next year; we may as well just accept it now and use it as fuel to start a revolution.

1. Lose weight/ get fit - Whatever you do: DO NOT JOIN A GYM. You will not attend more than twice; both these occasions will take place in January, cake will get the better of you, and your membership will gather dust in your purse/ wallet for the eleven months that follow, leaving you feel even deeper guilt about the failure of the above resolution (i.e. to get on top of your finances).

Really, making New Year's Resolutions is just one way to set yourself up for failure. But if you think you can make some of them, then go for it. You'll never know unless you try.